some changes must be made

this is most likely going to be another all over the place blog...and there is a reason all my thoughts are all over the place. I have ADHD. most people grow out of it by the time they are adults and I wish I could say I was one of those people...but alas I am not. Anyone who is close with me also knows I suffer with ...well I dont want to say severe anxiety but it is. I am managing it now without meds but some days are way harder than others. anyway im very much a I need a schedule and I need clear goals to accomplish anything and on the other side of that I hate having a schedule and hate being told what to do....lol so im damned if I do and damned if I dont. but I feel like things in my life are getting out of control and chaos and bad parenting are taking over.  to much stress, to much to do, not enough patience, not enough time ...im getting overwhelmed and anxious thinking about it. onto something else for now

my kids.....I love love love my kids more then anything in the world and would do anything for them. that being said I must put this into play. to be the best mom I can be I need to make changes. both of my kids have adhd...no they have not been formally diagnosed yet but I wouldnt throw that around just to say it. have it...my husband had it and both of my older kids show all the signs. and im not saying this is a bad thing....just not something I really know how to handle. (God bless you mom for dealing with me and eric) im trying really hard to change my way of parenting because yelling at them, time outs getting angry its not working. I need to find a different way to deal with it while keeping their sanity and trust in me and keeping my sanity.  Ive read lots of different things and gotten lots of different opinions on what to do and tonight I came to some conclusions. From now on there will be no more yelling. this is going to be the hardest thing for me because my first reaction is to yell when im angry.  its a horrible horrible habit I need to work on because I dont want to spend my life yelling. Also there will be a schedule. starting tomorrow we will be on a full day schedule with of course flexibility to an extent but on a schedule. I think it will help me and them. ive read that routine can help deal with adhd and make them more comfortable.

I know their lives totally changed when Auralynn came early. not only was/is mommy an emotional mess but we were gone every single day even though some days they didnt go with us. they didnt understand why they couldnt see baby sissy and why mommy cried all the time. and now that gummi is home and we cant go anywhere because she cant get sick I know that its hard on the kids and I wish I could change that. since we cant go anywere im going to make sure that staying home is fun. more crafts and more play time and less tv. I have a horrible habit that the tv has to be on all the time. I hate silence and need noise to focus. as weird as that sounds. instead we are going to switch to music. that way we can have dance parties and I get my noise its a win win.

diet changes in the house too. I dont know if we can totally follow the goldfein diet becuase it is really really restricted but I mean what harm can come from eating as naturally as possible? if it doesnt help with the adhd at least it will help with the health :)

the one who is affected the most is my sweet z man. I know that I call him demon boy cause he totally can be....and he can work my every last nerve alllll day but he is really sweet. he likes to share as hard as that is to believe, he is compassionate, he loves his family and friends and asks for them all the time. he just doesnt follow rules or directions and does everything he knows hes not supposed to and is so sad when he gets in trouble. I hate punishing him. I hate seeing his sad little face when he says im sorry mommy...I hate losing my patience with him. I hate being frustrated cause I know he is to. so changes must me made. I dont like the mommy I am becoming and I know they dont either.

I hope all these changes will help....I hope we can all find some fun staying inside. RSV and flu season is about until basically april so we have a looong road ahead of us. but anything to keep gummi bear ssafe and I know next year will be better......im not sure if this blog made any sense or not. its been a tough day. thats all for now

until next time......